Self Pity

Lol. I think I could write anything I liked on here and nobody would ever know, ever read it, ever get to know that little bit more about me. All of my deepest darkest secrets and they would still remain untold. Have you ever hated your life? Hate the hand you've been given, or whatever cliche you wanna use? I have. Lots. But I try not to. I try to appreciate what I have. I try to want what I have rather than wanting what I havn't. But it doesn't always work. And I guess I do feel bad for that. I do. I know that there is some great plan. I know that I have the best news/hope/future? that anyone could want. Yet I still want more? Is that how it will always be? Do people always want what they can't have? It's shit. And I don't know how to get around it. I don't know how to be content with what I can and do have. Why can't it be easier?? Gah. I know life isn't suppose to be easy. I just wish I had someone. Someone who actually understands me. Wants me. Needs me. Loves me.

Huh. You know what. MAybe I do have that? God understands me. Wants me to be in a relationship with him. Loves me. Why can't I keep hold of that. The most incredible, joyful, amazing, lifting information EVER. Why isn't that enough?

I want it to be. But I rely so much on earthly things, people...

Life is hard, really hard, even when you know what you want/need to do, say, act. I fail so much. I give in to things I don't even realise I want to.

Argh. Sometimes I just want to scream. Is it to much to ask? For a little bit of love, affection, effort? Is it selfish for me to want someone to go out of their way? I guess maybe it is when I want a particular someone...

I'm sorry.